Book of Disquiet · 16. · I daydream between Cascais and Lisbon

16.

I daydream between Cascais and Lisbon. I went to Cascais to pay a property tax for my boss, Senhor Vasques, on a house he owns in Estoril. I took anticipated pleasure in the trip, an hour each way in which to enjoy the forever changing views of the wide river and its Atlantic estuary. But when I actually went out there, I lost myself in abstract contemplations, seeing but not seeing the riverscapes Iʾd looked forward to seeing, while on the way back I lost myself in mentally nailing down those sensations. I wouldnʾt be able to describe the slightest detail of the trip, the slightest scrap of what there was to see. What I got out of it are these pages, the fruit of contradiction and forgetting. I donʾt know if this better or worse than the contrary, nor do I know what the contrary is.

The train slows down, weʾre at the Cais do Sodré station. Iʾve arrived at Lisbon, but not at a conclusion.